There are many tech-savvy parents out there, but there are also those for whom the online world is uncharted territory, who have no idea what goes on when their child is glued to the screen, alternating between social media networks.
For teens, the internet can make it easier to hide from their parents. "Madiskarte na rin kami. Also, mas maalam kami sa social media compared to them. So hindi nila alam na kayang gawin kunwari sa Facebook, puwedeng i-hide mo sa kanila yung specific post," a 19-year-old student told GMA News Online. Another student, also 19, said that many teens even make separate accounts—one for relatives, and another for friends—in order to maintain secrecy.
Clinical child psychologist Dr. Ma. Lourdes Carandang notes that most parents have not really dealt with their children's online lives, because children know more about how to navigate online. "So in that sense, they have more power than the parents. So that's already a big difficulty that we have," Carandang told GMA News Online after delivering a talk at the 2nd Philippine Society for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry National Convention last month.
During her keynote presentation, "Entering the Inner World of Digital Natives and Taking a Closer Look at Adolescent Depression," Carandang urged parents to look into their children's online activities. "Try to look into their games. Try to look into Facebook and Instagram. Just make pakialam because it's really very interesting that they now have the power over us because they know about this and we don't. So let's know a little bit, enough so that we are not ignorant about it. We have to equip ourselves also with some knowledge about it. Be curious to be able to have a little bit of knowledge of what this thing is all about, which is their life now. Talk to them about it," she said.
'Emotional contagion' and cyberbullyingAdolescents in particular are vulnerable to emotional contagion on the internet. As an example, Carandang talked about how some adolescents would post photos of their bleeding wrists, then receive comments from others who would post photos of their own. "It's a contagion. The internet is a very, very potent tool for emotional contagion among the adolescents," she said.
Emotional contagion also leads to the escalation of cyberbullying, which can lead to depression and suicide.
Carandang explained that bullying involves the bully, the bullied, and the bystander. But on the internet, there is no "bystander."
"So who's going to stop it?," she said. "And when it happens, it happens so fast it spreads like wildfire and even when you try to make bawi, ayun na. And that has caused a lot of heartaches, depression, and even suicides among our adolescents."
A recent blog post by a Filipino adolescent reads: "Dearest loves, I've decided that I'll kill myself when I'm 18 but now I think I'll do it earlier." There are many more similar posts that allow a glimpse into the world of the depressed, whether through words, poetry, or art. Carandang emphasized that depression is not just feeling sad, but feeling powerless and worthless.
Dealing with depressionIt is important for families to understand what depression is like, so that they can better understand when a loved one is suffering from it—and know that they have to be patient when the depressed person rejects their help. "The patient will push the family member away and sometimes they do not understand. But I think if they know that that's what it is, they won't be rejected. They can take it as part of the situation and can still be empowered to help," Carandang said.
Because depression isolates, it's highly important to stay connected. Carandang recalled one adolescent who attempted to kill herself but said, "I couldn't do it because I was thinking of my mother and her face and how she has cared for me." According to Carandang, it’s this type of connection that needs to be built, even if it isn’t to family. “Connect so that the isolation will be taken care of," she said.
The most important thing for parents and families, however, is to be sensitive to the child's cues. Not all expressions of depression will be as direct as the above examples.
In certain cases, the cues may even hardly visible, such as in one teenager's letter to her parents. "It was a beautiful letter: Dear Mom and Dad, I love you. You've been giving me this and so on and so forth. It looked very positive. Sabi pa nga, this is not a suicide note. But if you look very mindfully, there is a line there that said, 'I wish you had noticed,'" said Carandang.
"Their songs, their poems and other art forms, contain the message. Sometimes they will not tell you, and people say 'Why did this person, who was so wonderful, such a happy girl, etc., suddenly does that?' But when you look at the journal, you look at the poems, the drawings, you see it there. Or in some casual remarks that they say which we ignore, because it's not something we normally talk about. It is still a bit taboo," she said.
Sincere and open communicationCarandang told GMA News Online that more than looking for cues, it is about sincerely caring for the child and communicating honestly with them. "Instead of checking [their online accounts], they need to be more honest with their adolescent and say something like, 'Alam mo, I'm very worried. I noticed something going on and I don't want to miss it. I don't want to let it just go. I want to know because I care that something might happen. I want to know from you.' But talk to them with respect. 'Yun ang gusto nila eh, and be direct with them," she advised.
Similarly, both 19-year-old students' advice to parents is not so much to try to use social media, but to focus on the personal relationship. "Social media is a way to be more connected to people, pero importante pa rin talaga kasi yung in person mo magawa. Hindi ‘yung with something that is in between you," one said.
The other added that the teen should also make an effort to connect to his or her parents. "It takes two to tango. Parents and kids should give time for personal space, hindi lang puro computer. Doon tayo sa technology ngayon, pero kaya pa rin naman 'yun... dapat sanayin pa rin ng both parties na may connection na personal," she said.
Carandang shared a case with one adolescent who at first was reluctant to show her Instagram account, until one day, she asked the girl, "How do you do ba the Instagram?"
"She showed it to me, then she said, 'Look at my posts,'" Carandang said, adding that the teen's openness might have been because she was sincerely interested, as opposed to being interested in order to be able to tell the child what she should do. "It's not so much that, but 'I'm interested because I care what happens to you.' If you communicate that, they will start communicating."
Carandang added that the parent should not be discouraged if the results are not immediate.
Her advice is for parents to set a regular time for their child, during which they don't teach the child anything, but just get to know them. "When that happens, it's magical. It's so interesting how the person starts to open up because first of all, it's regular, so you can depend on it. Talk to them, just say, 'This is our time', and pretty soon they will start opening up," she said.
The best practices for parents are to communicate, give time, and be open to them. "It's about not being judgmental so that they will be open, acceptance and showing them that unconditionally, you're there," she said.
Mindfulness and parentingSetting limits and being able to deal with the intrusion of technology in family life are well and good, but the more internal and lasting positive change can happen if the child develops the ability to self-regulate through emotional intelligence.
According to Carandang, who trained under meditation master Thich Nhat Hanh, mindfulness training is one way to develop this. She explained the Eastern definition of mindfulness as "paying total attention to what is going on inside you, being aware of what is going on inside you and being aware of what is going on around you in your environment without judgment and criticism, warmed by kindness and spiced by curiosity."
This way of life can be applied to parenting, she said. An example of mindful parenting would be when one is angry about something at work, but not unjustly taking it out on the child. "It's a very common thing: something troublesome happens outside the home, we go home, and the best and easiest target of our anger which we may not be aware of is the child," said Carandang.
"The greatest gift you can give your child is yourself. It might be the best gift, it might be the worst gift, depending on who you are. The child doesn't just follow what you say, the child absorbs what you do. But more than that, the child absorbs what you are—who you are," she said. — BM, GMA News
source: gmanetwork.com
